The smell of lavender coming from my diffuser mixes in with the warm breeze of an unimportant summer night. It is 4.03 am and I am having trouble sleeping.
Although a peaceful and calming smell for most, lavender reminds me that it is time to give up control. Sleeping often is a sort of gateway, an escape from the troubles of the everyday life. When people sleep, they forget their worries and slowly drift away to that magic place. An REM wonderland if you like. Since around that aforementioned summer night, sleep for me is yet another source of anxiety, another period of time of not being in control. Just like when I don’t have direct access to my phone.
So much can happen when you sleep. Your cat can escape, your housemate might burn the house down, your boyfriend could be cheating on you, and worse- people could be talking about you . Sleep is giving up control, 6-8 hours for a healthy adult, of how much is happening in the outside world that you get to see. It is finally giving up the manic worry that people out there, somewhere somehow might not like you. And I don’t like giving up control. I need control to make sure everything stays together. Yet somehow everything is falling apart.
“You actually look really friendly and open to me.“ says the doctor when I bring up the crippling social anxiety that has been eating me alive for god knows how many years. I have a never-ending wish of controlling anything and everything around me. Being on top of social media, seeing everyones messages, making sure nobody is talking crap about me. And trust me- it is exhausting to walk into a room and assume everyone’s watching your every move, judging you and talking about you from the first step till the moment you die.
I am constantly trying to please people, frantically worrying about what other people think about me and wondering what I would do if they didn’t like me. I am drained from trying to make sure I am on everyone’s good books, and I don’t think I’m doing such a good job really. Not taking enough care of myself as I’m too busy thinking of others. FO-fucking-MO.
I need to learn not to care,
to not waste my breath,
tears on unimportant things and unimportant people.
But oh, that sweet scent of lavender.